margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
