Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They have beer where we have blood.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
