Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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