You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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