I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
