I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
