I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
