I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
