i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
