she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
