I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
