The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
