If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
