3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
