Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
