I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
