Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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