Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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