it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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