so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
