my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
