PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
