if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
