I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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