if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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