I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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