Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
