1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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