well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
