At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize