Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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