Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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