im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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