I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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