Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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