I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
