yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
