Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
