Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
