Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize