The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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