And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think my fart just growled at me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
