Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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