just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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