I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize