everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
