He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
