Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
