Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
