I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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