I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My vagina just clenched in fear
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