He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
