girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my liver is dry heaving
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
