I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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