I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
false alarm, still single
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
