you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
