I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
