yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
